I know that you don’t want to talk to me just now. You’re angry and hurt at what you probably see as my betrayal. I’m sorry that things happened the way they did. It must have looked like I was leading you on while I was building my relationship with Zevran. But you did not give me a chance to explain anything and I believe that it is important that I do. Even if we never talk about this please do read what I have written.
You probably think I’m an unfeeling bitch at this point, someone who toyed with your emotions for sport. But that’s not true. I love you, Alistair, I do. One thing holds me back from flinging myself at you entirely.
How do I put this delicately? Look at the size of you, dear.
You’re twice as tall as I am. I don t know about the situation “down there” but, if it’s proportional to the skeletal and muscular size differences, then I’m absolutely terrified of being intimate with you. It isn’t that I don’t want to be with you, emotionally and physically, but I fear that the latter would only be pain and never anything but.
And could we be satisfied without that, over time? Do you believe it unimportant if we are so in love? I do not. If it turned out to be impossible or merely unfailingly unsatisfying I believe the desire for it would come to dominate our interaction with each other. Frustration and sadness would turn every disagreement into an argument and we would end up no longer friends much less anything more.
Were you willing, I would happily have made an attempt, to lay the fear to rest or to nip in the bud the developing love and attraction I feel for you. But I know that you, Chantry-raised and sheltered as you have been, have never experienced physical love and you have been clear that you consider it part of a serious commitment to another person. I could never ask you to compromise that just to test whether such a commitment could ever happen.
And so I turned my attentions to Zevran, even while I seemed helpless to keep myself from continuing the conversations that led to such closeness between you and me. Even in these few days since we last spoke I’ve missed you dreadfully. But I cannot let myself be drawn more in love with you knowing that it will likely never be more than pain, and sooner than later.
Zev is fun and caring, in his way, though he hides his feelings behind naughty banter and a cavalier attitude. And he was willing (dare I say eager) to confirm that we are compatible. I’m not in love with him, not yet, but I’ve decided that I must make myself open to the possibility if I am truly to end things with you. Otherwise I could never bear to be near you so much, and we desperately need to work together toward our common goals.
Perhaps someday you might…no, it’s not in your nature to take such a thing lightly, first time or fiftieth. And I’m hardly going to sneak off to find some willing human with whom I can experiment. I may no longer be a possible heir to the throne of Orzammar but I do have my standards.
I know that, at some point, you will find a woman who can be with you without reservation. I find myself embarrassingly jealous of whoever she may be. My heart aches when I see you looking at me with such hurt in your eyes. But this is for the best, my darling.
I had intended to return to you the rose you so lovingly bestowed upon me but I find myself unable to part with it. And so I will keep it for the memory of both what it meant to you and what it means to me. I am sorry that things got so far before I could tear myself away. I hope that you will come to understand what that means about the strength of my feelings and how wonderful a person you truly are.
Please try to accept that we were not meant to be, that timing and circumstance threw us together only to keep us apart. I should have been stronger when I realized how large the problems between us could be, no pun intended. Someday, perhaps, we can talk without this pain stilting our every word. I wanted to you to know why I behaved as I have in the hope that you can forgive my weakness and realize how much I love you.
In sorrow and apology,
Your Fellow Grey Warden
[NOTE: Yes, this was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek look at the difficulties an Aeducan would face in a relationship with Alistair. You can laugh. It’s okay.]